New Rules For Old People



You are ‘older’ now.  Nobody gives a damn about what you think or what you said. Especially all your old friends.  Unfortunately THEY HAVEN’T discovered that nobody gives a shit about what THEY think or what THEY said.

Most of what you know is no longer true.  Even if it is true it doesn’t apply any longer.  And don’t worry about learning any new truths.  By the time you learn them they won’t be true any longer.

Simplify your life.  A person who has one clock knows what time it is.  A person who has two clocks is never sure.

Take off your shoes and walk barefoot in some grass.  A passerby may think you’re homeless and throw you some money.

If you won the rat race you’re probably a rat.

Today’s movies are pure Shakespeare.  “Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”

Make the most of your diminished capacity and ever diminishing number of friends.

Spend some time on your self.  Discover and accept who and what you are.  It’s too late to make any significant changes anyway.

No matter who did what to whom…get over it.

Stop looking in the mirror.  Sure, you don’t look as old as you are.  BUT ONLY TO YOURSELF. Everybody else sees OLD.  (Go back and read rule number one. You’ve probably forgotten it already.)

If you have money start spending it.  If you don’t have money marry someone who does.
Then start spending theirs.

A million dollars won’t buy what it used to.  Like a brand new black and white TV.

Stop fixing things that work.  There isn’t even time to fix the numerous things that don’t work.

Piss off at least one young person everyday.

Forget doing all those things you’ve been putting off doing for all those years.  There isn’t time to do them.

Don’t be in a hurry to try anything new.  Now is the time to finally get good at something old.

Old habits are good friends.  And all your habits and all your friends are old.

No matter how successful you may have been, stop looking back upon your life and reflecting on the failures. 

Stop bragging about how smart your grand kids are.  EVERYBODYS grand kids are geniuses. (Except for the ones who live in those neighborhoods that have a sign saying,

Don’t take up a new hobby.  You still aren’t very good at your old one.

Don’t buy a parrot.  It will outlive you but can’t act as a pall bearer at your funeral.

Don’t believe what your doctor tells you about drinking too much. You’re probably older than he is and there are more old drunks than there are old doctors.

Being old is like riding a motorcycle in traffic.  Nobody can  see you.

There is life after your sex drive stops working.  Be thankful. Your sex drive has been working you for most of your life.

If your doctor asks for a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample….just give him your under wear.

Be nice to your kids.  They’re going to pick your nursing home.

If you’re depressed and contemplating suicide remember this:  people who actually commit suicide shoot themselves in the head or jump off tall buildings.  The rest are just looking for attention.

Stop paying taxes.  By the time the government tracks you down you’ll be dead.

Look forward to global warming.  It means you can stay in Iowa and won’t have to move to Florida.

A person with average intelligence can die with a million dollars in the bank.  But a genius dies OWING SOMEBODY ELSE a million dollars.

You’re only as old as the woman you’re with.

If you can’t get by on your social security check it’s too late to do anything about it.
You’re going to die broke.

Sometimes the most important thing you can do is just shut up.  Nobody much younger really wants to hear about what you’ve learned.  They have to learn it for themselves. JUST LIKE YOU DID. A pity I suppose.  Maybe the really smart people, (the ones who passed you by in your forties) figured this out.  That’s why they passed you by.

Sometimes I am amazed at what I know for certain that I know.  I have reached this strange place in life where my mind is confident about everything except my body. My mind lets me down on lots of little things, like where I parked and who won the 87 World Series.  But when it comes to the real important stuff, like life and sex and death and taxes my mind is at last right on the mark. Trouble is, most of those things aren’t important to a person of my age.

Now I am relegated to taking out the trash.  Or is it taking the trash out?
I still get all tangled up in how to end a sentence. Well, it isn’t important.
But I wonder.  Where exactly is “out.”  And where will we throw things when there is no more “out” left to throw them to.  (That damn preposition again.)

Category: Essays, Humor

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